I stepped outside for a few minutes this morning to take a picture of the sunrise, and this required walking to the backyard.  I didn’t think our half Rottweiler, half Red-Bone Coonhound had been left out of her cage yet, so I was just traipsing alone with my thoughts.  All of a sudden, I heard a slight noise, and caught movement out of the corner of my eye.  Yep, our exuberant Miss Ellie was barreling towards me.  Do dogs gallop!?  One of the first things I’ve learned here in 2017 is that I can run a bit faster than I thought I could.  It wasn’t graceful, but I beat that dog to the corner of our yard where the underground fence is.  I stopped inches from the farmer’s field that had just been spread with fresh manure. gag.  I turned immediately and walked the underground line back into our house, all the while keeping a happy running dialog with that dog.  I was outside perhaps a grand total of 3 whole minutes.  I came inside, and my boys took one whiff and turned up their noses.  Ugh!  I smelled horrible!  Seriously, I almost can’t stand the whiff I keep getting from my hair & clothing.  I was just outside mere minutes!  How does the smell of liquid manure that has already been spread penetrate so quickly?!  Would you understand if I shared that this almost put me over the edge, and it’s only 7:21 am on Monday morning.  I’m having a “I don’t know where to start” kind of day, and I just want to curl up and go back to sleep.  It made me think of this blog post I wrote a little over a week ago & didn’t publish.  Maybe I’ll share it if any of you could use some encouragement, too, this second week of January…

It’s the early morning hours of December 31, 2016.  I do not understand how this happened, but in the past few months my body has decided 4 am is a great time to be awake and alive.  Doesn’t matter what time I go to bed; my internal alarm clock starts beeping at (what I consider) an ungodly hour.

I haven’t posted in quite some time.  Honestly, between home, work, kids, church, youth group, friends & family, I don’t have much time to process my thoughts.  It’s just not my season for keeping up this blog; that time will come.  I look forward to that, but also thankful for my ‘now’ moments.

I do actually have a few thoughts to share this morning, though.

I LOVE Christmas!  I get ridiculously excited about Christmas music and Christmas lights, decorating, Christmas Eve services, opening gifts, etc.  I love the joy and excitement and anticipation at Christmas! I know many of you are shaking your heads and agreeing with me.

Sometimes I think Christmas reminds me of a diamond.  There are so many different facets, and any which way you look at it, it reflects a little differently.

Beneath the glitter and sparkly lights is the most amazing truth about love and grace; Jesus humbling himself to offer us the gift of salvation.  I have to look into the depths of the diamond to see the beauty.  And I’m realizing more and more how I cannot take my eyes off of that.

Why?  Because all those facets on the surface of the diamond make my head spin.

Reminiscing can bring a sudden unexpected sadness that our boys no longer climb on our laps to hear the Christmas story or squeeze their eyes shut tightly on Christmas eve in the hopes they will fall asleep faster so Christmas morning can arrive.  That leads to bunny trails of “oh my goodness, have we done enough, said enough, taught enough?  Are they getting it?”  Then desperate prayers that they always follow faithfully where God leads them, and trust Him and love Him above all else.  Panic can almost set in. Deep breath.  “Lord, I’m keeping my eyes on You.”

A week later I’ll add that I unexpectedly had a moment on New Year’s Eve, too.  Tears just rose to the surface before I could catch them.  An image crossed my mind’s eye of sending Chase off for his first day of kindergarten, and thinking, “man, 2017 – his graduation year – is SO far away!”  Deep breath.  “Lord, let him keep his eyes on You.”

The TV is on, and the news is broadcasting.  Russia’s hacking stuff.  Obama’s response.  Trump’s response.  People still pouting about the election.  THAT just invites a whole bunch more bunny trails!  Where are the people with integrity?  When did it become more important to throw hissy fits rather than, well, meaningful conversation?  We’ve forgotten to pray, but we’re quick to jump to conclusions and share our thoughts with everyone we know on social media.  I’m often floored by those who denounce hate or drama, but incite it by their facebook posts.  Bad stuff is happening.  Everywhere.  We walk through the Holocaust Museum, and the whole time I’m thinking how horrible stuff is still happening, and we’re still not doing anything about it.  What will the future hold?!?  Prayer warriors, we need prayer warriors.  Deep breath.  “Lord, I’m keeping my eyes on You.”

I watch widows silently slip into benches on Christmas morning. By themselves.  I think how they woke up alone this morning, and drove themselves to church, and feel tears sting the back of my eyes.  We have friends and family who are missing mothers, sons, daughters, dads, and various loved ones, and somehow Christmas makes the absence and the loss harder to bear.  This is the first Christmas without my grandma, and I realize how much I miss her.  Most of us have someone in our lives battling cancer or other ugly things.  The sadness bubbles up amidst the festivities.  Deep breath.  “Lord, I’m keeping my eyes on You.”

We’ve got expectations for this season.  Sometimes they’re met.  Sometimes they’re not.  Plans change.  We miss family.  Family drives us crazy.  We get sick, and nothing gets accomplished.  We do too much, and we’re exhausted.  We try to create something special and no one appreciates the effort like we think they should.  The day after Christmas we begin the clean-up, and laundry, and we still have to cook, and clean and pay bills (including the credit card bill from December).  Lights start to come down, and we’re left with January and February and March, and the normal-ness of life.  Now, I love the coziness of winter-time, but I know the bleakness about drives some of my friends to stay in their electric-blanket covered beds.  And that bunny-trails me to thinking about all the homeless we met during the cold winter months in Philly.  And the crazy busy-ness of our upcoming January overwhelms me.  Deep breath. “Lord, I’m keeping my eyes on You.”

I’m beginning to think bunny trails aren’t so great.   There seems to be so much to make us feel sad or depressed or lonely or blue.  I think these feelings hit us especially hard after the holidays.  We don’t always just feel sad about ourselves; compassion for others tugs at our heartstrings, too.  We want to do more, but our efforts are rejected or we don’t know where to start, or we’re struggling just to keep our own heads afloat.  The more you think about it, though, the deeper you go. Can you relate?  One thought leads to another to another to another.

What I am saying to myself this morning is that Jesus still holds all the answers.

He understands, He knows, He’s been there.  He loves, He cares, He’s holding me.  He always was, always is, always will be.

I saw the sunrise this morning.  Amazing how just watching the sky brings on a new perspective.  And I have no idea where it came from, other than the Lord just placing the song in my heart…words from a really old Twila Paris song…

I’m not looking behind me
At mistakes I’ve already made
Hope is living inside me
I believe that my debts are paid
Trusting You now
I know I can make it
I made a vow
I don’t want to break it

There’s no good in comparing
With my friends who are serving You
Lord, all the grace that You’re sharing
Is enough for what I must do
Trusting You now
I know I can make it
I made a vow
And I’m not gonna break it

I won’t look to the left or right
My only goal is keeping You in my sight

Lord, I’m keeping my eyes on You
Following You, following You

My Lord, I’m keeping my eyes on You
Following You
I’m just following You, my Lord

Our message at church yesterday was entitled, “High Expectations in a Low Expectation World”.  I love to be challenged in a sermon, and yesterday I was!  There must be more that feel the way I’m feeling.  I shared with some ladies that I was crying through the last prayer, and apparently I wasn’t the only one.  Encouragement as we begin 2017…that we keep our eyes on Jesus, and set the example…living out His calling on our lives. 

It’s not simple, and yet it is!  I saw the word “unwavering” this morning.  I like it.

Unwavering:  keeping my eyes on Jesus.  A beautiful thought heading into 2017.

Happy New Year!