5:30 am

Do you do that too?  Wake with a start.  And you lay there for a moment trying to gather your wits about you..put together what day it is..wipe the drool from the side of your mouth…toss a bit to try and bring back slumber ‘cause your body still feels tired…hmmm…did a noise awake me or do I have to pee?  And it’s off.  My mind.  I try to clear it, but stuff keeps spilling in.

I glance at my husband who’s oblivious to my turmoil, and finally sigh and quietly hop out of bed.  I say hop, not because I’m full of energy, but because our bed is too high for me to just slide off of.  There are a few disadvantages to being compacted (as my youngest calls my lack of height).

It’s Mother’s Day.  That thought hits me.

And then so does all the picture perfect Mother’s Day thoughts that society plants in my head.

Where’s my breakfast in bed?!  Why am I awake when everyone else is still peacefully oblivious to the fact that I’m already out of bed & on my feet.  Sure wish I had that luxury.

I checked the kitchen just to be sure no little elf had prepared a feast or left a gift or strewn flower petals on the floor.

Nope.

And then, as my mind started actually making sense of all my thoughts I closed my eyes tight to fight off the mental to-do list, but there it was – rather glaringly bright behind my scrunched up eyeballs.

I entered the office, and started printing off contribution thank-you’s, and beginning the process of ‘closing out’ an event held at our church the night before.  It was for an amazing cause, and I had fun, but the e-mails & texts started around 7 am asking who bought what & for how much, etc. and I could feel any peace inside of me start to leak out – kinda like air in a hose.  I knew if I just accomplished enough to put notices in people’s mailboxes at church that morning, that it would spare me a bit, and so I kept going.  At 7:45 am I re-entered our bedroom, rather unceremoniously awoke my husband & proceeded to hit him with, “can you PLEASE get up & get the boys up & at least help a little before we have to leave for church?!”  And as he’s blinking trying to focus his eyes on me I’m still kinda testily pointing out that I still had to shower, dress & eat breakfast in the next 30 minutes.  I exited with a bit of a flounce & continued on with my agenda.

It didn’t get any better.

No one offered to make me toast.  My youngest was in our bathroom FOREVER.  He couldn’t use his bathroom ‘cause his older brother was sick, and sleeping in and not joining us at church, and we were all being quiet, and their bathroom was in their room, and hence, he was in mine.   And nothing, nothing hurries that dear boy up.  He’s methodical & thorough & I love him to pieces, but I cannot.make.him.hurry.  My husband tried to hurry him, and that resulted in our dear son having to rewash & restyle his hair, which.took.even.longer.   I am now, a bit frantic, and having a teensy bit of a pity party going on ‘cause it’s Mother’s Day, for Pete’s sake, and I think a long, hot bath should’ve been in order – not a quick spritz, and certainly not on the menu was the half-burnt piece of Ezekial bread I was taking bites out of as I stood outside our bathroom.  Waiting.

Finally – I’m in & already getting out of the shower, and my husband decides to brush his teeth.  Our bathroom is not spacious, and so it required him moving aside so I could get out of the shower, and me having to dry off in our bedroom.  And just about then, the tears started chasing each other down my cheeks.  My husband, who really is very sweet, entered the room, and said, “are you ok?!”  And between tears I managed to sputter that I’d totally forgotten to shave & that was the whole reason I had been waiting to take a shower in the first place.

And then he says, “you know, you don’t have to worry about any of us this morning.  We’ll all get ourselves ready.”  Now, I realized, somewhere, that he meant that kindly, but I think I went cross-eyed at that point.  No kidding.  I remember thinking, “it’s Mother’s Day..shouldn’t that mean you’re all worrying about ME?!”

I had to get everything ready to take to church, all papers printed, amounts balanced, youth stuff ready to go, candy put in my special ‘church-candy-purse’, mother’s Day cards bought & signed for our own mothers, gifts bought for the dear ladies, etc., etc. etc., but please, absolutely, get yourselves ready (since they do that every Sunday anyways now that they’re all big like that) – that’d be a HUGE help.

And just like that, it was all about me.

And an hour later, in church, God finished a conversation that a friend had started with me a few days ago.

First and foremost, everything, EVERYTHING I do each and every moment is to be for Him.   After some tough conversations over the past year, I have been assured in the knowledge that God is allowing me to use the gifts and talents He has given me in ways I hadn’t dreamed of, and I know my motives are pure.   God, through various circumstances, has reminded me again and again and again that He is all I need, He is the only one I need to follow and please, and that I need to not let others cause me to feel defeated if I am obeying what God is asking of me.

But as I was sitting there in church, struggling with my emotions, listening to the preacher talk about his saint of a mother, and trying not to feel like I had just undone my whole mothering career in one morning, God reminded me of this…

When I use my gifts & talents for Him, when I do what He is asking of me, He often allows me to find joy & fulfillment in those offerings.   But the joy is not to come from what I am doing – the joy comes in who I am doing it FOR.  Most days I love being  a wife and a mother, and I love encouraging others, and I really love organizing and creating (even if it’s just a sign-up sheet for a youth activity), and I love flower gardening or reading a book, etc.   BUT there are days it all overwhelms me & I feel taken for granted, or neglected or tired & weary or I let others discourage me.  Listen, the enemy knows where to hit me hardest.   The more I obey, the more I trust, the more I serve, the more satan’s going to attack.

And we mothers are no exception.

Each stage brings with it absolute joys, and absolutely stressful what-was-I-thinking moments.

When they were little, I just wanted to take a shower in peace, and maybe have 3 minutes where no one was touching me.  Oh, but their chubby little arms wrapped tight around my neck or the wilted dandelion bouquets they offered – those just melted my heart.

Somedays I want to smack the attitude right out of them.  Or pray that God does.  But the next minute, they’re teasing each other & cracking jokes that make me laugh out loud & I want to savor the moment forever.

I write our schedule in code.  Each person has a color so we don’t get confused who is to be where, when.   And I only have TWO kids.  The obligations, recreations & responsibilities seem endless some days, and yet, God always carves out moments for us to breathe.  Breathe, moms!

In the moments you feel perhaps it really should be about you for a change, remember WHO you are doing it all for.  It changes the perspective.   Somedays I have to pray harder, but it changes my perspective.  And it changes my heart.

I’m still not convinced either of my boys will ever stand in a pulpit, and proclaim that I was a saint.   I do pray, however, they know that in spite of the times they see my glaring faults, that they know without a single doubt that their mom loved the Lord with all of her heart, and that she stormed heaven with her prayers for them.   That she was a piece of clay God continued to mold, and that God saw the beauty in her vessel even on the days she couldn’t see it herself.  I pray they see Jesus in me, and that others see Jesus in them.

And I pray I can instill in them the knowledge that their only true fulfillment & joy will come from living their lives, every single moment, for the One who created them.

I left church completely at peace again, and feeling extremely blessed that God has called me to be a mother.  It is not an easy task, but He is all we need if we can keep our eyes focused & view our lives through His lens.

And yes, my #1 man accepted my apology for the morning outburst, and I didn’t have to make lunch, and he let me read and nap in the afternoon, and even took me for my free cup of Sweet Frog frozen yogurt in the evening.  And the boys, well…they know how I love to hear the words, “wait, what did you just say?” so much that they got me a Mother’s Day card that read, (on the outside) “Happy Mother’s Day to a mom who taught me what life is all about… (and on the inside) “could you repeat it?  I wasn’t listening.”  Oh, it was the worst, most perfect Mother’s Day card for this stage of their lives!

And I laughed & laughed.  I’m so glad God blessed them each with a delightful sense of humor, ’cause we need it around here some days!

So moms, this is the first-day-after-Mother’s-day 2015.  Maybe you felt treasured & cherished yesterday.  Maybe not so much.  Maybe you feel good about being a mom or maybe you feel like you’re drowning.  Maybe you’re filled with joy at the task, or maybe you’re heartbroken at choices your children have made.

Wherever you’re at, God’s there.  Like the song says, “He’s my rock, my sword, my shield”.  Armor up & let Him fight the battles.  You just concentrate on offering up each task as an offering to Him.  I’ll try and do the same!

Happy Being-a-mother-day!!

(and if you didn’t get flowers yesterday, here’s a bouquet from my backyard)